Tips On How To Be a Cat In An Apartment (CATS ONLY)

September 20, 2019

You’ve found your litter box and located the one or two locations your human is most likely to fall asleep. What now? 

You are a cat. Here are a few things you need to do as soon as your human moves you to a new apartment. 



Your human probably is exposing you to your new home at a pace that best suits your needs. Whether that’s all at once, or room-by-room, you’ll need to take in the important sights, sounds, and smells.

Carefully, slowly, take-in this new apartment. In any new environment, cats must be on high alert. It is only natural for you to lose your freaking mind over the slightest unexpected detail. Don’t worry. The human will protect you.


Find a good scratching post. (Designated or not.)

You obviously know a scratching post when you see one. Go for it! 

You’ve got a smart human. They have learned one way or the other that you need a good scratching post. If the one you had at your previous residence was portable, you’ll probably find it again in this new home. If not, get ready for a brand new post to stretch and scratch your heart out. 


Scout your running space before 3 AM. 

You don’t want to be caught off guard when the zoomies kick in. There are many places you need to be at all hours of the night. Urgently!

Zoomies are a sign you are feeling comfortable in your new environment.


Ask for help.  

Make sure to communicate your preferences with your human. As you get used to this new living space, you’ll slowly find all the comforts of your old home – and more. 

Here are a few tips. 

Can’t find the sun to bathe in? Destroy the obstruction. 

The windows are probably not set to make sure you have as much sun as possible. If there are plants in the way, knock them down. If the blinds have been forgetfully left down, pretend* to get stuck in them. 


Worried in general? Meow in the hallway. 

In the middle of the night, wait for the quiet that settles in right after the HVAC system turns off. Stand in proximity to as many doors as you can. Wail loudly and mournfully. Then never do this again. 

Your human(s) will try to comfort you. They have no way of telling when you are satisfied. You can be sure the comforting will continue until nothing more can be done to make sure you are happy.  


Unhappy with literally anything? Break something. 

When the crime is discovered, make sure you are nowhere to be found. Your passive-aggressive actions will warrant untold attention from the humans. They will try to determine how events unfolded. They might even fear their new home has suffered a break-in. Eventually, you’ll be found, but not before every possibility is considered.

*Of course, there is no real way for a cat to do something so silly. 

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